15 thoughts on “A question of voice/tone?

  1. I don’t like the way second version starts with ‘it’. What is an ‘it’? I much prefer the first version. It seems more honest and neater.

    By the way, talking about ‘voice’ in poetry will get your knuckles rapped by the language poets. Silly, but true.

  2. Thanks, Paul, really happy that you took the time to give the feedback! I’m really happy that version one comes across as more honest – as I was worried it wouldn’t read that way.

    Ah, the indefinite ‘it’ (which is supposed to stand in for the word ‘tomorrow’) – so ‘it’ weakens the poem by the nature of it’s vagueness? (so many its)

    I know! I shouldn’t have said it ‘voice’ is such a dirty word!

  3. Definitely prefer the first version. Though it wasn’t until I read the 2nd version that I worked out that Tomorrow was doing the talking (I’m a bit slow) – I would have worked it out eventually. The alternative would maybe start the 2nd version with ‘tomorrow said…’

    • Thanks Gabrielle, appreciate the feedback! You aint slow! I could do that for the second version, then the title won’t have to act like a first line.

      Though by the votes here, it looks like version 1 is going to be the survivor

  4. i must say, i read it first without the title, don’t know how but anyway, i was not so sure, to whom and why do you speak that way. i found it interesting though. when i read it 2nd and 3rd time (with the title)i enjoyed it very much. very much more.
    i had a slight problem with ‘give me an engine fitted with wings’ – i still cannot make up why does it needed as it need not, as you said, head ‘start’.

    for your question. i could say i can not see different, the change is so minor first . but reading it again and again i feel very different and i like the first version much more. why? – at first i thought it is because i didn’t like so much the ‘it said’ phrase. but now i think it is mainly because the first version allows me to be tomorrow for a moment, see it from a different angle rather than a mere philosophical read..
    now i will go on to read what others had to say

    • Thanks, Dhyan! I think I see what you’re saying, why does the engine need wings if it already has a head start? Or am I way off? 🙂

      Really glad that the 1st one reads better – and lets you in more as a reader, that’s fantastic to hear!

  5. so.. i see what confirm my thoughts – it is usually better to go with the first. i think only few can stop themselves from entering the written (or really add something by that mind involvement) and therefore the first things that flow, while presumably the words poses the poet, and not the other way around, are better.

    i would also ask about that Voice, paul had spoke about in first comment. what is the story?

    • I think you’re right – words possess the poet, absolutely!

      With ‘voice’ Paul & I were talking about the way a person’s writing sounds – for instance, the way a child writes is different to an adult. Shorter sentences, simpler words etc, it ‘sounds’ like a child has written it.

      Again, a doctor may write in a ‘voice’ different to that of a boxer, as each have different experiences, education & such.

      Hope that part makes some sense, I don’t know that I’ve explained it that well!

      Then, Paul noted that the Language Poets would rap my knuckles for talking of ‘voice’ because they don’t place high emphasis on the person behind the words/poems – instead concentrating on the structure of the poem itself. Therefore ‘voice’ would be irrelevant. (Paul, did I make any sense there?)

      Not sure how clear any of that is?

      Perhaps tone is a better word for the differences between poem a & b above.

      In that one is making strong statements ‘do not look…’
      and the second is making the same statements but a little more informally ‘don’t look…’

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